Fifty Shades of First
by admirerslounge
Summary: Summer in France usually last longer for a young and naive Anastasia, but the hot air moves differently this season when her father's student come as his intern not knowing their world will change forever. Inspired by Call Me By Your Name.
1. Chapter 1: The Intruder

**Chapter 1: The Intruder**

"So what time will The Intruder come today?" Ethan asks as he plops on my bed, the familiar masculine scent of his sweat hits immediately as we're spread out in my bed together, fighting the heat of the first days of summer.

"Hmm.. Dunno, maybe any second now. You should probably help me make the bed and move the rest of my stuff to the guest room, c'mon, get your ass up E," I say lightly as I get up, smacking my best friend's ass lightly as I start tucking the sheets of the bed.

Ethan unwillingly gets up and help me rearrange the pillows. "Yep. Still don't understand why a guest can't sleep in a guest room when it's specifically made for..well..guests, and we can keep throwing rocks at Kate's "fuckboy of the day" from up here," Ethan and I walk towards my large window and look outside. The wide open front yard garden with a big garden table.. the fruitful trees.. from up here we can watch our neighbours for hours spending their days: sunbathing, playing volleyball, reading books, here somewhere in Northern France where my family stay every summer.

"It's just two doors away E.. the spot might not be as good but we still got a window-"

"Oh there it is."

Ethan points at a car.

We both look at it as it slowly grows bigger and stops in front of my villa, trying to figure out whose inside that minty blue vehicle. _Is it going to be a woman? A man? A funny girl with red hair? A skinny guy who plays guitar?_

The car stops, and after what feels for me like an hour, a man gets out, a tall - very tall, man, with three buttons of his blue shirt undone, but still tucked neatly, as if he already can't stand the heat. He looks mature, but somehow I can tell he's not a proper adult yet. His face looks 23, tops, though something about him feels older, his demeanour looks so wise and calm.

"Christian!" My dad practically screams as he gives _Christian_ a hug.

"Professor Steele, honoured to finally meet you."

"Come on in, come on in-" "Anastasia!"

I rushed down the stairs to meet our "Intruder of The Year". For a second I was nervous, maybe with a little hint of excitement until I brushed it off. _This is just another of my dad's student for the summer who will be out of my life forever as soon as you could finally befriended him. Just like every year. Don't even bother trying._

"Anastasia! This is Christian"  
"Hi" I say. My voice was really small it could might as well be a whisper.

"Hi, Anastasia"

"Anastasia, help Christian to your room will you, dear? I'm sure Christian is very tired."

"Sure, dad" I run upstairs as he follows me more slowly, looking around our villa attentively, as if intrigued with all my dad's collection of arts. I am suddenly very insecure about how my butt looks like in my denim shorts as he follows me.

"Hey, man." Ethan says when we bumps into him walking out of my room, well, Christian's room.

"Hey, nice to meet you," Christian says, Ethan runs downstairs, probably catching up with the kids playing volleyball outside.

We walk into the room and Christian immediately put his belongings on the floor and sit on the bed. I go around aimlessly, opening my closet door and closing it again, closing the window and everything, doing my best to give him a quick room tour.

"So, this will be your room, the bathroom is here, it's connected to where I'll be staying so I hope you don't mind that we share it-"

"Yeah, it's okay-"

"And yeah I'll be in the other next room-"

"Okay-"

"Yeah, so if you want to use the bathroom maybe you can knock first," I get inside the bathroom to show him some more, "I'll knock too, you know, if I want to use the bathroom, the bathtub is running okay although you have to wait for a while for the hot water, and um-"

I snap out of my long rambling and I peek my head out only to find Christian already sleeping on his stomach, maybe feeling too worn out after the long flight, and maybe feeling too hot too, after all he did take off his blue shirt that has been hiding his perfect manly body until now.

I can't help but stand there and look from afar. So many of dad's students before him has slept on my bed before, but somehow it feels different. His body is too big for my bed, his big feet almost hanging. I study his damp copper hair that falls onto my pillow gracefully, I study his broad wide shoulder, his big hands and long fingers, Hell, I even study his ass-

"Thanks for letting me stay in your room," Christian says with a raspy voice suddenly, his eyes still half closed but his stare is intense.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Was about to let you know dinner is at 6."

"Can you wake me up?"

"Yeah."

"Good girl." he says as he turns around so his back is facing me and he goes back to his nap.

Umm, okay.

 _This is definitely going to be interesting._

* * *

 _Hi all! It's my first time trying to write a fan fiction so please give me your feedbacks and comments!_

 _This is not going to be a fast-paced romance between Ana and Christian but it will definitely come soon and it's definitely going to be juicy ;-)_

 _A lot of inspiration comes from the book and film Call Me By Your Name, but it's still will be Fifty Shades of Grey with its fifty shades of kinky fuckery._

 _Xx_


	2. Chapter 2: First Night

**Chapter 2: First Night**

" _Good girl."_

Good. Girl.

Not a " _thank you"_ , " _good girl_."

Am I annoyed or interested? Why am I even bothered by it? Hell, why am I even thinking about this right now?!

I'm laying in bed knowing he is sleeping just two doors away, counting every second until I can knock on his door to call him for dinner. I tried to continue my reading but my mind was too busy to focus. I decide to just get ready, changing from my plain t-shirt and shorts to a simple red summer dress, letting my hair down, and look at myself in the mirror.

 _Here goes nothing._

* * *

"Christian?" I call his name again, after the second time of getting no answer.

In the end I decide to open his door and peek inside, only to see him still topless with two clothes in each hands, getting ready in front of my mirror that's too small for his gigantic body.

"Do you think I should wear the long sleeve or the short? Wanna make a nice impression on your dad," he says without looking at me.

"Umm.. Maybe short? It's hot," I stare at his sculpted body.

"-I mean it's hot out. We're going to eat outside, out the front yard garden," I correct myself quickly, looking at anywhere but him. Christian only smiles and nods. _Goddamn Ana._

"And what do you usually do on a _hot_ night like this?" He asks casually as he put on his short sleeves shirt, the colour is blue again, but this time it's a couple shades darker. _I realise by now that blue really suits his grey eyes._

"Depends. Go out with friends, lock myself in and read books,"

"Do you want to show me around?" He looks at me.

"The town?"

"Yes."

"Tonight?"

"If you're not planning on locking yourself in and read books." He says as he combs his locks with his long fingers.

"I'm not"

"Great."

I don't know what to answer to that, so I only nod.

He finishes buttoning his shirt, leaving the top buttons undone.

"Well, let's go downstairs. Don't want to keep your dad waiting." He squeeze my shoulder lightly as he walks out confidently leaving me behind.

"Christian, you look more well-rested now!" My dad says as we take our sits - Christian laughs and gives a charming answer, sitting right across me. During the course of our meal his shoe brushes my ankle a couple of times. I figured it's the downside of having long legs. Well, I wouldn't know, I'm very small. I look at him and I see him looking at me too, then he starts talking with Dad about the research he has compiled so far for Dad's latest book.

They talk and laugh about everything like they've known each other for so long. My mother, Carla, now lives in England with her husband, so my father always fond for a good company, especially with ones that share the same love for literature, or simply his wit and intelligence.

I can't help but stare at Christian, study him some more, I love to see him talking, his deep voice and his use of words, his hand gesture, his furrowed brows when he's listening, his wide smile, those perfect white teeth. He has a very dominating presence, very intimidating. He almost scares me and yet, captivates me at the same time.

I catch him studying me, too. Although, I think he does this to everyone, like he just loves reading people. It's really scary to see how he listens to every words I say, even when his eyes doesn't reach mine. I get real quiet tonight, picking my words carefully, only talk when asked.

It is as though he can see through me. He makes me want to hide away. But at the same time, he makes me want to expose all of me to him, let him know who I am. Whoever I am, that is. As if he is the only one that could understand.

* * *

"So this is the heart of the town?" Christian asks as we arrived at the square, nothing like city squares in the U.S though, his upper arm brushes my side lightly as we walk rather closely side by side, sending chills everywhere.

"Yeah, a lot of people go out here, especially on weekend nights, a lot of things are happening."

"Hmm.. It's nice to see different people and their different culture. It's the reason why I'm here for the summer, of course, beside wanting to learn from your wonderful dad."

We stop in front of a fountain, with a beautiful sculpture of two-headed body.

"Beside him, am I the only one that you can speak completely in English to?" Christian asks.

"No, my friend Ethan and his sister Kate is half Canadian, I speak with them in English all the time. Can you speak French?"

"A little bit-"

"Ana!" I turn around to find Ethan running towards us, leaving his group of friends, well, some are my friends too.

"Just in time," I mutter.

"Hey Banana, didn't know you were coming!" Elliot says while catching his breath.

"I'm just showing Christian around-"

"So are you coming?"

"Maybe later,"

"Okay, do let me know, Ana! I miss having you on the dance floor!" Ethan says as he runs back to his group.

I look at Christian to find him studying my face intently. It makes me feel very shy for some reason. I don't know what he's thinking, but I'm sure my face is blushing deep right now. I decide to continue to walk, he follows a second later.

"That was Ethan, again,"

"We've met, yeah."

"You two are close," he adds. A statement more than a question.

"I guess."

He doesn't say anything.

"As I said, he's the only one that I can speak English comfortably to, beside Dad and Kate,"

"And are you going to dance with him later tonight?"

"I don't know yet, I still have to show you around."

"Are you guys even old enough to go?" Christian says, somewhat dismissively.

"Umm.. yeah? And even if we were younger, this is not America, _Christian_. They're not really strict about that kind of stuff," I say defensively. I don't know why I snapped out of the blue, but somehow it hurts to have him questions my age, I'm pretty sure I've been acting nothing but mature so far.

"Okay."

I glance at him as we walk, checking his expression, yet his face is still very impassive, dare I say pensive? Looking straight to the pretty busy street, people walking, kids smoking, couples embracing each others. We look very stiff compared to the rest of them, stick out like a sore thumb with awkwardness. Or maybe it's just me, Christian still look as big and powerful.

"Well, I'm going to check that packed bar over there, I'll catch you in the morning. Later!" Christian says abruptly, leaving me standing there alone as he walks off.

 _Is he fucking serious?_

* * *

I decide to catch up with Ethan at the club. I'm watching my friends dancing and getting drunk, living their best youths, while I'm sitting here nursing my drinks with my head somewhere far away.

I finish my remaining beer, feeling a bit drunk already, and go back to the villa, not really looking forward to what's to come.

Back in my room I plop down on the bed. Then I hurried up to my bathroom. _Our bathroom_. I know Christian is still out because I saw his bike still parked where we left it at the square as I was leaving. I don't want even want to think about what he's doing right now. Any thought of it makes my heart drops. _He's very likeable after all._

As I undress to my underwear for bed, I can't help but notice different things in the bathroom. I see his towel hung on my bathroom door, his baby blue shirt from earlier tossed rather neatly on the edge of my bathtub.

Then I see his toothbrush, and boy, am I tempted?

As I look at myself in the mirror, I, somewhat impulsively, grab his toothbrush and my toothpaste in such quick motion. I am careful not tp put too much toothpaste on it, maybe so his taste won't get too diluted, _fuck I don't know_ , and I brush my teeth with it, slowly at first, then with much passion, closing my eyes. Of course I know it doesn't taste any different than brushing my teeth with my own toothbrush, but something in me just craving for him to be nearby, one way or another, to have this man that I just met this afternoon close here with me.

After that I feel embarrassed. I go back to my room and lay on my bed, thinking of what the hell is wrong with me. Somehow, the guilt makes me feel a little excited, everything is confusing because I've never felt this crazy before. I also feel weird all over my body. I turn to my side to squeeze my thighs together. As I hear my breaths become louder and louder, I hear footsteps sound getting clearer and clearer. _Christian is back_. I see the clock and it's almost 4 a.m now. I can't see him with my body facing the other way around, but I can hear him moving around. He goes to the bathroom not even bothered closing the door, probably thinks I'm already asleep. He starts to piss.

Millions of thoughts burst through my mind, I want to turn my body around and see him. Then I remember about last night. Ugh. _Where were you, Christian? What did you do last night?_

I didn't realise I was still clenching my thighs together until I hear his footsteps again, this time coming closer to my room. My back is still facing him, but even then I can feel him looking at me. I know he stands far, but I can hear both of our breaths clearly, syncing together. After what feels like forever, he closes my bathroom door and goes back to his room. I shut my eyes tight and squeeze my thighs even tighter 'til I let out a loud sigh.

 _Oh god, it's only the first night. Surely this won't be good._

* * *

 _Or will it? I hope you guys enjoy the second chapter! Thanks for the reviews :)_

 _Answering Joan Goldman: Christian is Prof. Steele's student that is interning for him for the summer, so Christian is basically working for Ana's dad to help him with his works, it'll be clearer later!_

 _Answering Daytona: Yes! Very excited about Dakota as Oliver's wife for the sequel. Between you and me I've always imagined Christian Grey as the actor who plays Oliver way before both films came out. Weird!_


	3. Chapter 3: Hot Summer Air

**Chapter 3: Hot Summer Air**

I wake up in my room. It's dark. The cool night air hits my body that has gotten sticky with sweat.

I see a tall figure coming closer, breathing heavily. I remember the smell vividly, still very fresh in my mind, like summer in the woods. Hmmm. _It's Christian_.

I can see him better in my pitch black room now, as if his godly physique has absorbed all the light exists.

He crawls over my body, warmth overrides all my senses. Inside, outside, everywhere.

"Christian?"

Christian doesn't answer, he is completely on top of me now. I can't think. Can't move. I only lay there, in my yellow underwear, staring at his thundery grey eyes, staring at me.

Then down my body.

 _Oh my._

I'm nervous. _Fuck_ , I'm nervous as fuck.

"Christian," I whisper. Or moan. _Who the fuck knows at this point._

I look at him, trying to read his face through the dark. His big eyes is exceptionally big right now, his mouth opens, breathing in and out loudly.

I realised that he looks nervous too.

 _Weird_. Surely he's done this before, _unlike me._ So why would _he_ be nervous?

And just like that, all my fear is gone. Replaced by something I've never felt before. An intimate feel of pure connection.

 _At this moment we're equal_.

Like we're the same being separated by our damned bodies, and now desperately craving to become one.

He doesn't intimidate me at all. I see my lust in his eyes.

And so my hips move upward involuntary, aching for some frictions. He lets out a groan just right beside my left ear, the raw vibration awaken something in me even more as he grinds against me with his hard member.

 _Ohhh._

We sway our hips together, we sway them around, then up and down, around, and up and down again, faster and more erratic as we go. I am desperate for him, we are desperate for each other, our heavy breaths become clear moans, a music to my ears.

Christian starts to bite on my neck to my shoulder, I moan louder and arch my back, pulling his hair to bring him closer to me. I kiss and lick his face. _Everywhere_. His lips, his nose, his eyelids, back again to his lips, then we fight each other with our tongues like there's no tomorrow. Everything feels so animalistic. Meanwhile, his big hands are all over my small body, greedy and rough. Warm and cold at the same time. He squeezes my ass cheeks, caresses my waist, fondles both of my breasts, as if one is not enough, then he gets aggressive with my very sensitive nipples, all as our body dance together frantically.

"Please, Christian.." _Please what, I don't know._

I get bolder and trace my hand down to touch him _there_. Who would've thought I was so hungry for him. I wanted to do it gently at first, but without control I grab his shaft like my life depends on it. He groans so loud with his eyes shut, his mouth makes a perfect O, I swear to God it is the hottest thing I've ever seen.

"Fuck, Anastasia," I moan back as he moans my name.

"Ahh, Christian,"

"Anastasi-fuck, stop, we can't do this" I start stroking his member while trying to pull it out from his pajama pants, it feels even bigger and harder in my petite hand, if that's even possible.

"Ah, Anastasia, stop, I'm serious," He grabs my hand roughly.

"Anastasia,"

"Anasta-"

"ANA!"

I wake up.

Fuck.

" _Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!"_ I whisper as I see the mess I've made in my own bed.

* * *

I go downstairs feeling like crap, I find Christian and Dad already talking at the breakfast table. I sneak a quick glance at Christian, very careful from the bruise of earlier embarrassment. He looks fresh and well-rested, like he didn't just get back at 4 in the fucking morning. Me? I probably look like a mess, _a pathetic mess._ I'm in my bikini top layered with T-shirt and my favourite denim shorts, walking barefoot towards them.

"Good morning, Annie. Oh, baby, you look horrible!" Dad laughs as I sit down beside him and pour myself a glass of orange juice. Christian is drinking his milk across me, very nonchalant.

"Thanks, Dad, you look great."

"Did you have fun last night, baby?"

I look at Christian that now stares at me with his intense gaze, as if he, too, is waiting for an answer, probably more than my dad.

He immediately looks away, as if he just got caught. He starts to spread his bread with butter, I see a hint of little frown on his face.

"Uh huh," I nod casually, grabbing a bread and jam.

"Did you tell Ethan to clean the car today?"  
"I forgot," I glance at Christian again, "I'll tell him later."

"And what is your plan for the day?"

"Just gonna write, I guess,"

"Take Christian to the bank, he needs to create an account,"

"Oh, he probably already know where it is," I mutter, taking a big bite of my bread.

"-It's okay, Mr. Steele, I can take myself. I want to see around town anyway," Christian adds.

"Hey, nonsense. Take him to the bank, Annie. Don't be rude,"

I look at my dad and he looks dead serious. I avoid Christian's stare and sigh in defeat, like a child. I don't care. Truth is, I still feel embarrassed as fuck.

"Grab your bike," I say at last as I get up from the breakfast table, not even bothered finishing my bread.

"Can't we just walk there?" Christian asks, stopping me in my tracks.

"Yeah, but it'll be much faster with bike,"

"I really feel like walking right now, the weather's not so bad today."

I look at him and he looks back, as if challenging me to fight back.

"Dad, if Ethan asks about me, tell him I'll meet him later," I say as I walk out the door, Christian follows a second later.

" _Later!"_ Christian waves to Dad.

* * *

"So.. are you going to stay quiet the whole time?" Christian asks we're almost get to the bank, definitely caught me off guard.

"No."

There's another silence. After a while he finally answers,

"Okay,"

I don't answer back. I don't know what to say to that anyway.

We keep walking, the town is differently beautiful in the afternoon, and much more quiet too.

"Are you mad at me?" Christian asks again, his voice low.

"No? Why would I?"  
"I don't know."

"Are we going to be like this the whole time I'm here?" He asks me once more. His tone is yet still casual, like the fact that we're not talking doesn't actually bother him that much.

"I don't know what you're saying, Christian."

"Are you mad because I left you last night?" He finally stops walking and look at me straight in the eyes. Confronting me, although his voice is really gentle, comforting almost.

"No." I stare back at him, trying my hardest to look strong even though I'm scared he could see through me.

The fact is, I'm telling the truth. I'm not mad at him because he left me. Maybe at first, but now I'm glad that we didn't spend another minute together last night. Lord knows what could've happened, I could've embarrassed myself more in front of him with my stupid little feeling.

I mean surely he doesn't feel the same way about me. Gosh, look at me. I'm just a bookworm with a bookworm as a father, spending my summer days reading books or go out with my "young friends". To top it all, I know fucking nothing about boys. Let alone men.

"Okay." He finally answers, although his eyes still haven't moved from mineas if still not convinced at all.

"Yep." I finally break the eye contact, and starts walking again, leaving him behind.

"Whatever I did, I want to apologise."

As I keep walking, he continues,

"Truth is I like to hear you talking. I like the way you say things. Frankly, I kinda miss it." Christian says, still standing on his spot.

I stop and look back to see him looking very genuine, his intense stare pierces my soul.

He slowly walks up to me as I'm still tongue-tied. He stops once our body gets too close to each other, my breasts almost touch his sculpted stomach. _He is so big compared to me._ I can smell him now, can hear his breath. _Just like in the dream last night_. He studies me intently, Not minding we're in public at all as he gently and easily touches my chin, gives me no choice but to see him in the eyes too. He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, very softly so. I am dumbstruck. Can't get my eyes off of him too. After awhile of us just standing there he finally takes a step back, still looking at me with his intense gaze. He then breaks the eye contact, looking at the ground with a faint smile on his face. _Christian, I miss your eyes on me already._

He looks up and squeezes my shoulder again as he walks past me. Very casually as if nothing happened.

"Let's go."

* * *

"So what are you writing?" Christian asks as we're heading back, popsicles in our hands.

"Huh?"

Christian licks his orange popsicle,

"You told your dad that you're gonna write today,"

"Oh. Yeah. Just translating some book," I say as I lick my strawberry popsicle, dripping from the heat.

"From French?"

"Yeah."  
"Hmm,"

"What are _you_ writing?"

"Me?"

"Yep."

"Right now I'm just helping your dad."

"Have you written some, though?"

"Some essays, yes."

"What about?"

"Mostly philosophical anthropology, boring stuff."

"Nice."

"Nice?" Christian laughs.

"Sounds smart is all." I smile.

"Anastasia, you read Heraclitus."

"How do you know?"

"I see some books in your room."

"Didn't write it though.."

"Okay, okay," he chuckles, bringing both of his hands up in the air, defeated.

"Just saying that you're a smarty, too," he adds as he takes a sweet glance at me.

"Yeah, I don't know about that."

"Anastasia, when I was your age I was reading comic books about a limp cowboy cockroach, you're fine."

"Sounds very philosophical to me, probably a metaphor about our society" I laugh.

"Oh, I wish."  
"How old are you, by the way?" I ask abruptly, trying to sound casual.

"Why? Do I look that old?" He teases.

"No, just curious, I guess."

"I'm 26."

"Oh."

"Ohhh," he mocks, smiling, I see a hint of unsureness in his eyes.

"That _is_ old, Christian," I tease back.

"And how old are you?"

"18."

"Hmm."

"Hmmmmm…." I mock him back.

We stare at each other trying not to laugh but fail miserably.

"Why are we heading home by the way, thought you were going to show me around?"

"Yeah I thought we could just hang around at the lawn in front of our villa. We spend a lot of our afternoons there with our neighbours. Play volleyball, read books, take a nap, basically everything.

"Great. Any neighbours my age or are they all toddlers too?" Christian jokes.

"Actually, Kate and her friends are like, around 23 or something. So maybe _not that_ old but I guess you can have fun too. If anything, my dad is in his office." I say jokingly as he laughs, shaking his head.

* * *

"Christian!" One of the older boys waves. Some boys are playing volleyball, the other boys are watching from the side with the girls, laughing and laying around.

" _Salut, les mecs!"_ ( _Hey, guys!_ ) Christian says, looking surprised.

"You know Louis?" I ask.

"Yeah, I met him and the others at the bar last night,"

"Ahh.."

" _Christian, viens jouer avec nous!" (Christian, come play with us!)_

"Ana!" Ethan comes to me, just as Christian leaves my side to join the game.

"Hey, E! Have you washed my dad's car, by the way?"  
"Yeah. Was looking for you, Banana. Sissy Katy just broke up with Thomas, and apparently it's for real this time," we laugh as we walk to sit with the other kids.

"Sorry, I was taking Christian to the bank."

As we watch the game together with all my friends, I can't help but focus on Christian. Thank God for the hot summer sun. Just like the other boys, Christian has taken off his shirt revealing his sun-kissed body as he runs around in nothing but his shorts. I take off my shirt too and lay in my bikini top and shorts.

" _Cet américain est beaucoup mieux que le gars de l'année dernière" (This American is much better than the guy from last year)_ Says one of the girls, making everyone laugh.

" _Regarde-le, il est si mignon," (Look at him, he is so cute)_ Kate adds, the girls agree, giggling and whispering.

"Ana, he is so cute!" Kate says again, nudging me.

I look at him high fiving the boys as he scores again.

I get a little annoyed by the conversation and walk to the nearest picnic rug grabbing a water bottle and quench my thirst, before walking back and offer Ethan a drink. Before he can take it Christian snatches it from my hand, taking big gulps before handing the bottle back to me.

Then he does _it_ again. He squeeze my shoulder, more deliberately this time. Harder too, massaging my shoulder.

I was spellbound for a minute, leaning into his touch before I wrench myself away from his grab.

"Sorry, did I hurt you?" Christian apologises.

"No."

"Here, let me make it better. Relax"

He massages my shoulder again.

"I _am_ relaxing," I say defensively. I am anything but relax, I'm sure my face is as red as a tomato.

"You're stiff as a board. Ethan, feel this,"

Ethan comes and put his hands on my back, Christian pressed Ethan's palm hard against it.

"Here. Feel it? You should relax more."

Christian leaves abruptly while Ethan's hand still lingers.

"You should relax more, Banana."  
I wrench myself away from Elliot and leave the lawn to go inside. All the way touching the spot where Christian touched me.

* * *

 _What the hell just happened!_

 _Stop giving me mixed signals, Christian! I'm dying here! I feel stupid!_

Right before dinner I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I look so young, like a young girl.

Not like Kate, or Adele, or those other girls.

I rummage through my bathroom cabinet and find myself some makeup I haven't used for so long.

For once I use mascara for my already long lashes, applying it over and over again to make sure I look great, more mature.

After applying some blush and peach lipstick I head out to choose a nice sexy summer dress. No pattern-y material for tonight, just a maroon silk dress, very ladylike.

 _Okay. Here goes nothing._

* * *

I see Dad sitting at the dinner table with a couple of his friends, talking in French. Pauline, our housekeeper, pouring each of them red wine.

I look around and couldn't spot Christian.

"He's late, baby," Dad says, gently, almost in a comforting way.

It must be obvious how upset I look now.

I sit down.

"Don't you think it's rude when he leaves all the time, especially with his, ' _Later!'_? I don't know, like a bit impolite? Arrogant?" I ask Dad, my tone snappy.

"I don't think he's arrogant. Shy, maybe."

"You watch, this is how he'll say goodbye to us when the time comes. With his gruff, slapdash, _Later!_ " I impersonate him, showing the fake-confidence he always put up, exaggerating a little bit.

"Meanwhile you got to put up with him for six long weeks. Like I said, I think he's just shy. You'll grow to like him."

I think real hard about it. _If only he knew._

"What if I grow to hate him?"

"Baby-" my dad says.

" _Oh, Pauline? S'il vous plaît prendre l'assiette de Christian," (Pauline, you can take Christian's plate away)_ Dad asks as Pauline passes by, now that it is obvious Christian won't be eating with us tonight.

I don't know why I want to cry so bad. I look up to make sure no tears actually fall down my cheek, that'd be embarrassing. I endure dinner listening to my Dad talking about the history of the lake near our villa with his friends, couldn't care less about it, my wine glass already empty.

"Hey you, smile baby. How was your day?" My dad asks me at last.

"Fine."

"Don't just stay here with all these boring old people. Shoo! Go out with your friends," he jokingly suggests.

"Don't want to."

He only stares at me with his soft eyes.

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

* * *

I can't sleep. I toss and turn, feeling hot even being only in my underwear with the windows open.

As I almost fall asleep I hear a sound. _Christian is back. Again._

He goes straight to the bathroom this time. He takes a piss, brushes his teeth. I know his routine by now.

After a while I hear my bathroom door opened.

"Anastasia, do you happen to know if somebody has been using my toothbrush?"

* * *

 _Hi guys, What do you think so far? Will Anastasia confess? What will happen with these two clueless smarties?_

 _Thanks for the reviews!_

 _This chapter is heavy inspired by Call Me By Your Name, taking some bits and pieces from the movie._

 _To answer some of you who have been wondering about Christian's feeling: It will be revealed, soon! But what do YOU think?_

 _I'm still figuring things out on the go but I made a Pinterest board for this story!_ _/dm7kuiqogbm7qj (Fifty Shades of First Fanfiction by BugsyLee03)._

 _To answer unnamed guest: Haha, no spoiler on the ending but just know that this is **not** completely based on Call Me By Your Name, a.k.a we might be able to have a better ending... :)_

 _To answer another unnamed guest: Yes, English is not my first language :) I'm sorry about all the errors and my lack of perfect grammar. It's apparently really tricky to write in other language after work in the middle of the night, but I hope the story is delivered just as clear! Thank you for the understanding :)_

 _I have plan for these lovers' future, but do let me know what you want to see next!_

 _Xx_


	4. Chapter 4: A Bigger Splash

**Chapter 4: A Bigger Splash**

Today the sun is high like it has been for the past few days, blessing the colourful plants in my backyard, kissing our bodies with shameless heat, torturing my self control, seducing my eyes to sneak a peek at _him_ who is now swimming in _my_ pool, the clash between the twinkling water and his huge body creates big splashes every now and then, as if mirroring the beat of my heart as Ii sit in the edge of the pool, quietly try to focus on my book.

"Whatcha thinkin'?"

"Huh?" I say, caught off guard.

"You're not reading your book. Whatcha thinkin'?" He asks again as he gets out of the water to sit beside me, water dripping off his body

"Nothing." I look back to my book, pretending to remember where I left off.

"Nothing?"

"It's a secret." I answer. Jokingly? Teasingly?

"Aah.. it's a secret. What were you reading then?"

"Eh." "Some romance."

"Hmm.. something about first love?" He smirks.

"Something like that." I smile.

We stay in silence for a bit. I brave myself to look at him in the eyes, but he is thinking deeply now, not even swaying his long legs in the water anymore. I like him like this. I like us like this. Doing absolutely nothing. Long summer afternoon, saying nothing, not even looking at anything specific. Just the sound of birds chirping around, the kids laughing and shouting from the distance.

"How was your, umm.. first love?" I ask him rather nervously, trying to make a conversation at last.

"Hmm..?" he looks at me, his eyes soft.

"What was your first love like?"

"Who says I've had my first love?" He teases. "Is it because I'm already soooo old?"

"Umm, no I don't mean it like that, I just, I mean, I gues-"

Christian laughs hard, "I know what you mean, I was just poking fun at you-"

"Fuck you" I laugh, nudging his arm.

"My first love was wonderful."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I think every first love should be beautiful, no matter the end. It's exciting. Innocent. Pure." He smiles. I smile back, bowing my head down, becoming shy as seconds go by.

"What about you? What was your first love like?"

"Umm.. I don't know.."

"I just went all cheesy and you won't even tell me!" He jokes.

"I guess I just haven't truly, you know.. experienced that.."

"I mean I've been in short relationships before.. but it was all just, you know, dumb.. you know.. puppy love stuff.."

I look up when he doesn't answer. When I locked eyes with him, I see a very understanding man. I was embarrassed at first, I know kids my age are all about dating and all those stuff now.. But his stare is non-judgemental, almost, dare I say, _intrigued._

And then he does it _again_. He touches my cheekbone, strokes it, and drag his fingers slowly as he tucks the strands of my hair behind my ear, all the while studying my face intently, then my lips.

"But you know… I'm still eighteen after all.. Maybe years years from now.. _Plus_ , with this bland face and this bland personality-"

"What about them?" He stares at me even deeper, if that's even possible. I didn't realise how close our faces has gotten.

"Well... I just don't think I'm _**that**_ good at things. I'm not the prettiest, not the brightest."

"I always like the way you say things. And I think you're _very_ pretty. Why are you always putting yourself down?"

"I don't know. So you won't, I suppose."

"Are you so scared of what others think? Or what I think?"

I shake my head. Christian is waiting for me to say something, staring into my soul.

In the silence of the moment, I stare back. It is the first time that I, finally, have dared to stare back at him openly. Before this moment I have always cast a glance, then looked away from Christian's steely gaze. But now, it is as if, finally, I'm saying to Christian: "This is who I am, this is who you are, this is what I want."

 _I would kill for him to kiss me in this moment, right now. Something just struck within me, I feel my hand moving towards his, holding it softly._

He looks at our hands. His expression is unreadable.

"You know.. you're making things very difficult for me." He finally answers. Still looking at our physical bond, but not moving his hand away in a bit.

"Umm.. Christian.."

He looks at me. I'm sure he can see how big my eyes are now. _Full of, hope? Lust?_

I put my forehead on his upper arm, just before his shoulder, looking back down to our hands - _too shy to look at him for what I'm going to ask next, but too enamoured to break contact with him altogether._

"Can I kiss you?" I ask finally, my voice too small, my words too fast, but I know he heard it. Suddenly I get insecure. _I'm embarrassed. Too embarrassed. Back to square one._ I stay still as I'm waiting for his answer, inhaling his scent; mixtures of the summer, the water, and all things Christian.

After a while (although it felt like forever), I feel him nuzzling my hair with his other hand.

"Don't say things like that." he whispers, dampening my desire, yet the delivery was too kind, too sweet for me to be even a little disappointed about it.

I nuzzle my head to his arm one more time and then stand up abruptly. "Let's go then."

"Huh?" Christian asks, confused.

"Earlier you said you could use my help sorting those darn papers for Dad, let's go." I answer, giving my hand out to help him stand up.

"Ah, yes." He takes my hand and stands up, almost making me fall into the pool.

"Jeeesus. I forgot how big you are."

* * *

We have been sorting Dad's writings and other dumb essays for what seems like hours now, and so far it has been too awkward, a definite straight punishment from hell for me, Anastasia Steele, to ever thought that Christian would want me too. _Of course not, you idiot! What were you thinking!_ If he didn't think of me like that, surely he must think of me as some dumb naive girl with no self-controlow.

It kills me that we've apparently decided to put that all under the rug and now we have to act like nothing happened.

"Christian, Dad told me you guys are going to look at those sculptures they just found.." I ask. Anything to break the ice.

"Yeah, it's gonna be a 3 hours drive or something, I'm really excited."

"Ugh, I'm jealous. Dad never took me for that kind of stuff. One day Ethan and I tried to hide in the trunk of his car just before they go but of course, we couldn't fit his big ass leg-" I tell him as I laugh, remembering that day, it was just a year ago. "And so Victor, you know, Dad's employee, caught us, and he told my Dad, acting all smug, but my Dad was too busy preparing things to even listen to Victor non-stop yapping!"

Christian laughs, although it doesn't really meet his eyes, "That's funny, I'm sure your Dad won't mind if you really want to come with. You're his favourite angel after all."

"His _**only**_ angel. But, I don't know, he always thinks of me as a kid."

"I'm sure that's not true, you just got to convince him. He knows you're smart as hell. Heck, even I know you are. You're very special, Anastasia. _I mean it_." He says it so smoothly, I don't know what his intentions are. Is he only being friendly? Am I not supposed to feel something in my stomach every time he says something nice?

"Maybe I should intern for him like you to let him know that" I smile, downplaying his words, aimlessly picking things up and examine them one by one, knick-knacksfamily pictures, as if this is the first time I've been to _my own_ Dad's library, not even helping him at this point.

"What about Ethan?" He changes the topic very casually, too casually, he doesn't even look at me.

" _What about him?"_

"Is he smart too?"

"What kind of question is that?!" _I laugh._

"You know what I mean, is he also into what you're into.. Does he also want to go to see the sculptures or does he only want to go so you guys can be silly together"

"Oh you think he's dumb?" I ask, trying not to sound too defensive.

"Well, a lot of boys your age can be quite immature."

 _Is he fucking for real?_

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing. I'm just saying. Sometimes boys don't know what they're doing."

If I was not pissed then I sure as hell am now. Without thinking I step closer to him, and as he stands up I only take a step even closer to him until we're only inches apart.

"And _you_ think _you_ know what _you're_ doing?"

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?" Now it's his time to ask that, and boy, his voice turned serious. _Domineering._

"You don't even know your feelings, Christian. At least Ethan tried to sneak in the trunk with me, If you were in his shoes I don't think you would even have the balls to admit that you want to go in the first place." I say with such fierce. Christian's face turns even colder like I just slapped him with a book.

"Whatever." I say as I leave the room.

 _Fuck him._

 _Fuck him. Right?_

* * *

The club is packed more than usual, even for a Friday night in the summer. I'm thankful for the outdoor space for once, or else I'll be dead inside the cloud of cigarette smoke and these bodies, moving to the hard beat of the songs.

I'm hanging with my friends, we're sitting and chattering about God knows what, at this point I only care about the drinks that keep coming. It's a weird contrast after spending my day with Christian, talking about life, his studies, my future.. and then go back to the comfort of my friends, talking about who's fucking who, or the fact that apparently Kate's broke up with Thomas because Thomas is gay.. as if I give a shit.

Of course they're not that bad. Everything just pale to comparison now that I can't keep my mind off of him. It's very annoying. I could never understand him. One moment he's all kind and warm, the next he's cold and dismissive.

Just like that, I saw him dancing on the dance floor. Christian. With Adele. Of course, out of everyone it has to be Adele. She is very pretty, and sexy, she knows how to talk to men, and is _an actual adult_ like Christian. I could see Adele trying to dance even closer to him, and I see Christian doesn't mind it. I watch them together for another minute, gulping my fresh drink in one go, the warmth hits my throat brutally. Christian is drunk and he's dancing, and he looks so fucking mesmerising.

I stand up and take Ethan's hand, practically pulling him to the dance floor with me.

* * *

I dance and I dance, and I dance some more. Ethan is laughing, amused with me letting loose after a frustrating day. "I missed you like this, Ana Banana!" he screams into my ear through the loud music. I try to listen to what he's saying, putting my hands on his shoulder to bring his lips closer to my ear. "You've been acting a bit weird these past days!"

Then I see him again. Christian. And he is looking at me like he is about to kill. The drinks make me bold, I want to punish him for all his mixed signal. I stare at him, make sure he's still looking, and I lick Ethan's ear very slowly, while grinding my body on his.

To say that he is pissed is an understatement. He looks livid, but more over, _hurt?_ He bolted off and it brings me back to reality. What the fuck did I just do?

" _Fuck_ , sorry Ethan" I search for his eyes, expecting him to be mad at me.

"Hey, Ana, no worries. I know you're more drunk than usual right now." He asnwers, looking a bit confused.

"Fuck, fuck. I know. Okay, umm, I'm going to the bathroom real quick."

"You sure you can go alone or do you want me to-"

"No, it's cool. You dance here, I'm going to be quick."

"Okay, be safe, let me know if anything, Banana."

I try to make my way through to the bathroom, squeezing through these people who look like they're having the best time of their life. _Unlike me_. Just as I'm about to get to the bathroom door, I see Christian, and my drunken self, once again, decided the worst and come up to him with such rush and yearning. Yearning for what? I don't know.

He sees me and he, too, rush closer, and just as we're close enough, Christian grabs my hand hard and take me, almost half running, to the exit door. As we reach an alley, just beside the club, he pushed me hard to the wall and kiss me roughly as his life depends on it. He holds my head with his big hands and I can't help but kiss him back, just as passionately, shamelessly giving his tongue access to taste mine. What I didn't realise was that my hand has been exploring his back through his green shirt, pulling his body closer to mine as I try to create more frictions. With that Christian takes my butt and squeezes it hard, causing me to moan his name.

"Mmm.. Christian..-"

"Anast- **Fuck**!"

* * *

It's been forever! Sorry! I've been very busy with my new job and everything.. Please let me know what you guys think about this chapter, I'd love a suggestion on what these clueless lovers will be up to next.. ;-)


	5. Chapter 5: Joke or a Lie

**Chapter 5: Joke or a Lie**

"Mmm.. Christian.." I moan on his mouth as his fingers keep searching for more of me to devour, one of his hand squeezes my ass hard as the other holds my neck to give his tongue easier access to explore my jaw, biting my ear, licking my collarbone, ever so passionately with such hunger. I silently curse myself for wearing such restricting short jeans. I lust for more frictions between us, more contact, more of _him_. I push all of my body to his; mushing us together into one as I slam him back to the wall and grind into him like a thirsty dog. Now it's my time to lick and bite his neck hard, I know he likes it because he gives a big groan.

"Anast- _Fuck_!"

Something came over him and he quickly pushes me off, and with our size difference, I stumbled back just as fast, almost lost my footing.

"Fuck! Fuck! Anastasia, I'm sorry." Christian looks at me worriedly with his big grey eyes. His stormy grey eyes in the moonlight…

"Anastasia, did I hurt you?" He asks as his eyes scan over my body quickly, not like before; now it's more like he's checking as if he wants to make sure he doesn't bruise me or anything. Looking for a hickey maybe. The thought makes me smirk.

"It's Ana."

"What?"

"You keep calling me Anastasia. It's Ana. Only my dad calls me that."

"Fuck - Anastasia, that's not the point-"

"Ana."

"-Ana, that's not the point."

I smirk again. To say I am happy would be a big understatement. Christian just kissed me! I have never been kissed with that kind of passion before! I thought as I touch my lips with my fingers, trying to relive the feeling of his lips on mine.

"You're drunk. We're going home." He still looks at me, not moving. Trying to read me, maybe, or figure out what to do with the night in general. Who knows. Nobody can read him, I might as well give up and enjoy the boldness that all these drinks gave us.

"You're drunk, _I'm_ drunk. We're going home, Ana **stasia.** " He breaks his gaze and walks past me. I follow along slowly from behind, mindlessly walking, kicking the pebbles on the street, looking at his beautiful butt.

His hands were just on my butts awhile ago. I trail my hands down and squeezed them hard, the memory of just a couple minutes ago make me laugh hard. _Okay, I_ _ **am**_ _drunk._

"Can you walk? Or do I have to pick you up?" Christian says as he looks back to see me following him from behind. While still walking he takes his cigarette out of his pocket and lights it up.

"I didn't know you smoke."

"Only sometimes."

"When you're stressed out?"

He keeps walking, maybe even faster.

"Hey, Christian! Wait!" I yell as I run to him.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask.

"No, I'm not."

"Okay." _I'm glad he's not mad._ I don't know why would he be mad for, but I just can't read him ever.

He stops on his track, and I do too, he looks at me sincerely, looking a little lost. "Look, Anastasia. I'm sorry about… earlier. That shouldn't have happened. I was under the influence of alcohol, and I shouldn't have done that. I'm very sorry. I've never been like this before. And it won't happen again."

"Hmm."

"Hmm..?"

"Hmm-... Christian-.. I think... I think _Iwannathrowu-_ "

" _ **-Fuck!**_ "

* * *

As expected, when the morning came we treat everything like nothing happened the night before. I woke up with yet another bad headache while Dad talking to Christian about god knows what over breakfast. Usually, I like breakfast time. I like enjoying the slow morning in our backyard, eating whatever fruits available from our garden, fresh jams, all kind of breads that Pauline makes. Not today... Not today.

I sit down and drink my whole glass of milk in one go. Christian takes a quick glance at me before nodding back to whatever my Dad is on, replying him back here and there while eating his soft boiled egg. He looks a bit hungover as well, with circles under his eyes, yet still as perfect.

"Baby, have some egg at least, you're feeding yourself not a kitten." My dad says midway through the conversation. I take a peach instead, as though to say, _I don't let people tell me what to do, Christian. As childish as that may sound._

"Christian, have another egg."

"I know myself. If I have three, I'll have a fourth, and more."

I hate him this morning. I hate his cool demeanour. I hate his big white shirt. Hate his summer pants. Hate how he can be so casual after everything. Was it even anything? It's not like me to get agitated like this.

Through the boring conversation between the two, I carefully touch his foot with mine, making it seem like a mindless accident. _Why_ , you ask? I don't know. Want him to see me? To keep it in his mind that I'm here? Want to check up what's going on between us? If we're cool? Want to touch him again?

He doesn't respond at all, still doesn't even look my way even when I put my whole bare right foot on his left shoe and let it stays there. I trace him from his shoe, and up up up to his shin, the hair on his leg makes my heart tingles. Finally, he looks at me, and then finishes his egg, his coffee, and tell my Dad he's going out for the day.

"If that's okay with you."

"Of course, Christian! You're my intern, practically my son, not my slave! It's Saturday." Christian nods.

"Well, _later!_ " He says as he leaves, grabs his bike and saunters off.

 _Have I told you I hate him?_

* * *

I didn't see him that whole day, I took the Advil that he left in the morning when I woke up. Even ate the bread he made for me with apricot jam. My favourite. I thought we were cool.

Maybe he's disgusted with me now. Was I a bad kisser? Or was it the fact that I literally threw up right in front of him? Like a literal baby.

I spent that day with my friends, doing everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. This goes on for days. I haven't seen him around more than during breakfast, and even then he doesn't really talk to me anymore, not even really look my way. Not mean, just very nonchalant, very casual. Sometimes I hear his footsteps and water sounds from our bathroom very late in the night.

I see him with Adele too, whenever I'm watching my friends playing volleyball. I think they've become even closer now. They look perfect together, I didn't even know Christian can speak that much French but they're always talking and laughing. Adele doesn't seem to hesitate to get all touchy while she talks, too. And Christian doesn't seem to mind. My friends have been talking about them, like tonight when they danced in the club. " _Is he hitting on her?" "Are they doing it, then?" "I'd love to be in his shoes." "Who wouldn't want to be in her shoes anyway?" "She's really after him, that's clear."_

"I don't care." Was all I said back.

I have apologised to Ethan about the incident that day, fortunately he accepted easily, he understood that I was very drunk. Everything went back to normal with him, if anything, we become closer too. We're in the pool a lot. Walking down the plaza a lot, eat ice cream, buy books, magazines, get some drinks. Anything to get my mind off him. Or maybe not him, but just the feeling that he gave me. The thought that I have felt so alive one time.

The drunk people around the plaza at night reminds me of that memory _again_. It never occurred to me that if one word from him could make me so happy, another could just as easily crush me, that if I didn't want to be unhappy, I should learn to beware of such small joys as well. " _That shouldn't have happened", "I shouldn't have done that", "It won't happen again."_

But tonight I use the heady feel of the moment to speak to Ethan. We danced past midnight, then we walked back by way of the shore. Then we stopped. I say I am tempted to take a quick swim, expecting he'll hold me back. But he says he too loves swimming at night. Our clothes are off in a second, giggling as we go. I forgot how close we are to each other.

"You're not with me because you're angry with Adele?" he asks.

"Why am I angry with Adele?"  
"Because of him."

I shake my head, feigning a puzzled look to show that I can't begin to guess where she'd fished such a notion from.

I ask him to turn around and not stare while I use my sweater to towel my body dry. He pretends to sneak a glance, like a joker that he is. I look the other way too as he puts on his clothes. When we are no longer in our underwear, Ethan takes my hand and kisses me on my palm, and then between my fingers, and then my mouth. It takes me a while to kiss him back, the feeling is different, but that I deny, not wanting to compare this to that memory.

We are going to meet at the same spot on the beach the next evening. He said he'd be there before me, I give him a small smile.

"Just don't tell anyone," I say. He motions that his mouth is zipped shut.

* * *

"I almost did it. Me and Ethan." I say to my dad and Christian during breakfast.

"And why didn't you?" My dad asks. I love how our relationship works; only truth between us. He's very open-minded, very blunt yet wise, I guess he has to be with his field of work. I can ask him about anything and tell him mostly everything. _Except about_ _ **him**_ _, I guess._

"Dunno." I answer casually.

"Better to have tried and failed.." Christian says half comforting and half-mocking me.

"All I have to do was to find the courage and reach and touch him back, he would have said yes." I say defensively, I'm showing off.

"Try again later." He says.

Pauline comes and brings even more peaches to our table. She tells my dad about the news from the sculpture people.

"The sculpture has been brought up yesterday, would you like to go with me?" Dad asks Christian.

"I'd like that very much."

"Can't I come too?"

He seems to think about it. "On condition that you remain silent."

* * *

When I wait for my dad and Christian, Adele arrives on her bike and asks where Christian is.

" _On va au lac de Varda avec mon père. Il veut montrer à Christian l'endroit où ils draguent."_ We're going to Lake Varda with dad. He wants to show Christian where they're dredging.

She looks disappointed.

" _Dis-lui que je suis passée."_ Tell him I came by.

" _Il est à l'intérieur, il aide mon père. Tu étais incroyable sur la piste, hier soir."_  
He's inside helping dad. You were great on the dance floor last night.

"Il danse très bien."  
He dances great.

" _Et il est beau aussi, non?"_  
And he's great looking, isn't he?

" _Tu veux jouer les entremetteurs?"_  
What are you trying to do, fix us up?

I didn't say anything, she leaves me and goes into the house. After a while, they come out, standing so close while speaking quietly. She then kisses him on the cheek before gets on her bike and leaves.

"She seems to like you a lot. She's more beautiful than she was last year." I say, looking at her body before she disappears completely. He doesn't respond.

"I saw her naked on a night swim once. She has a great body." Now he turns to look at me, surprised.

"What are you trying to do? Make me like her?" While talking, our bare legs briefly collide. I can't believe I still shiver to the touch.

"What would be the harm in that?" I say, challenging him.

"No harm. Except I like to go at it alone, if you don't mind."

Then silence. We look at each other as if challenging the other one to speak more than this.

"Don't play at being the good host, just don't." He speaks at last.

Just then my dad comes out of the door and I get in the backseat (yes, Christian takes the front. Can you believe that?!)

"All good? Get everything you need? Anastasia?" My dad asks, checking all of the stuff in the back.

"Here goes nothing..," I mutter.

* * *

Let me know your thoughts for this chapter and your ideas for the next to come!

To Misssee: Ana and Ethan has just turned 18! Kate is 20 :)

Xx,

Admirerslounge


	6. Chapter 6: Summer Rain

**Chapter 6: Summer Rain**

The ride to the lake was good. The scent of the breeze, the peaceful quiet of the view, and everything else summer never ceased to amaze me. I stay silent, like my dad jokingly told me to, and because I feel like it, while listening to both men talking about everything - from philosophy to food, politics to music. My dad told Christian about our family, how he misses his mother's tomato soup every day - Christian told him how his adoptive father loved to take him to this nice French restaurant in downtown New York every time he came to visit.

I realised there that I don't know much about Christian outside of France. What he is like back in America, if he lives in an apartment or a house, if he drives a car or rides a bike as he does here every day. If he has a girlfriend or a wife. I chuckle at the thought of Christian's wife waiting for him back home. He doesn't look very committed to me the way he is with Adele.

I know Christian is finishing his masters degree in philosophy. I know he loves archeology just as much. History, classical music, I know he likes his drinks, although very sophisticatedly, I know he likes to be social; but only talks when necessary, I know his smell, know his clothes, his "Later!", his furrowed brows when listening intently to my dad, his little frown when reading his books beside the pool. His loud laugh around his new friends that he seems to be making effortlessly, or all the girls, the boys, down at the bar, at the river, everywhere.

Christian doesn't seem to mind my dad's questions about his life, he answers them one by one, again, as necessary; not giving out too much, just what's asked, but also not giving curt and abrupt answers, coating them with his smart humour here and there to keep the conversation light.

"What about your sister? What's her name again?" Dad asks.

"Mia." Christian answers, I can almost hear his smile.

"Ah, Mia Grey, yes. How is she?"

"She's great, always wants to come to visit the town here, maybe I'll take her next holiday."

"Nonsense, she can always come anytime!"

"Ha, I don't know. She can be too much. I don't want to ruin my good impression as the perfect intern." he jokes.

"Christian, you're a friend! No, no, no. Bring her here, I'd like to meet your family. I know Ana could use some friend to talk about boys around the house."

" _Jesus, dad-_ "

"-She can sleep in the guest room with Anastasia, we got twin beds. It's perfect."

"I'll let her know. And only because you insist, Ray."

"How old is she, Christian?" I ask, finally speaking to him.

"She's 22."

"-She lives in Paris, Annie. Christian told that she makes dresses and jewellery."

"That sounds lovely.."

"Yeah, she's great." Christian says, looking out out the window as we cruise through the beauty of Nothern by

"I didn't know you have a sibling," I say to Christian as we walk through the magnificent ruins of the Roman villa overlooking the lake, while my dad is busy speaking to the archeologists that have invited him here.

"I have two, actually."

"Oh, another sister?"

"No, a big brother. We're all adopted, though."

"Hmm... Must be fun to have siblings, can't be too lonely."

"You'll be surprised."

"You're not close with them?"

"We try. Maintaining relationships is difficult, even with your own family. We live far from each other."

I nod slowly, walking just a little step behind him.

"You're lucky you have an amazing father." He adds.

"If you don't count the dad jokes, I guess.." I joke.

* * *

We arrive on the small beach and gather around where we're shown the parts of the statue.

Dad is explaining Christian that only part of the archaeological treasures of this area has come to light. One of the archeologists, Antoine, calls my dad to show him the rest of the parts, which he excitedly rushed to, handing Christian the statue's arm that he had been assessing and leaving us with it.

Christian studies it intently, I look at Christian and see how amazed he is by the discovery, I like to admire such admiration through his eyes. Such passion. The beach seems to love him, like everything else here, everyone else here. His grey eyes blue-ish with water, skin tan with the sand. Suddenly I miss him. Miss _talking_ _with_ him. Miss being his friend.

I hold my arm out and offers it to the statue's arm that Christian has been holding, as for hand-shaking.

" _Tregua?_ " Truce?

Christian accepts my apology and shakes my hand with the statue, smiling _for me_ at last.

I smile back.

* * *

We arrive back home later than expected, we swam in a little cove not far from the rig before we headed back, as per my request, which my dad surprisingly said yes to. Christian only gave me a knowing smile, as if to say, " _See, your Dad loves you. Will do anything for you if you just ask."_ We had some laughs, some drinks, a lot of fun, it was pure heaven with such a carefree Christian, so much so that I completely forgot about my promise to meet Ethan tonight.

I run around the house to get my bike and wheel it out onto the road.

"I have to go!" I yell out. I see Dad laughs and Christian follows with a small smile.

"Are you going too?" Dad asks Christian.

"No, Prof. I have to work."

"How about another drink to celebrate the day?"

"That would be great."

At the river, a couple of hours late from our promised date, I can't see Ethan anywhere. _Fuck_.

Very tired, I take my water bottle from my bag. That's when I see his book; Christian put it in when we were going to take a swim earlier.

 **"The Cosmic Fragments" by Heraclitus.**

 _We've talked about this before, but I didn't know Christian had this book too._

I sit and open the book, there's a handwritten page inside.

" _The meaning of the river flowing is not that all things are changing so that we cannot encounter them twice, but that some things stay the same only by changing."_

I could hear his voice as I read this. His low, honey-coated voice. It's funny, I feel like I have changed so much these past days. I wonder if it's the air, the hot summer seems to crumble my guard down. Maybe it's my age, my curiosity, my love for romance novels; all make me unrested, agitated, nervous, _excited_. Maybe it's him. _Christian_. Making me want to try out things I've never really thought about before. For what it's worth I just turned 18, and still a virgin! It's only natural… _right?_

I'm glad that we're on good terms again now. It's weird, deep inside me, I feel a little sad about it, disappointed maybe, because now I have to control myself, it would kill me to be on his bad side again. Plus, he's with Adele, for all I know he's probably with her right now, doing whatever they're doing every night, surely I couldn't compete. Adele always radiates such aura, she's effortlessly beautiful, captivating, mature; _like Christian._

And I have Ethan, too. I mean it's not like we're officially dating or anything, but it's nice to have someone that you can feel comfortable with, in the same wavelength as you or whatever they call it. Maybe that's what Christian means whenever he talks about our age. With Ethan, I can see his curiosity too, his curiosity about love, about life, about himself. It's like we're both in the same science workgroup eager to experiment new things. _While Christian is the teacher._ I laugh as I think about it. I have to come to terms with the fact that Christian doesn't like me like that. I'm much younger, he told me that just so many times. I'm grateful enough that we're friends again now. He'll just be someone that I really look up with, I adore, I admire from afar.

* * *

I'm welcomed with silence as I get home, just familiar music of Erik Satie playing softly from the radio.

"Hi" I greet him softly once I found the source of the sound. My backyard porch looks really different during the night.

"Hi," Christian says. He's reading a book.

"Dad's asleep?"

"Knocked out by the wine."

"Of course." I chuckled lightly. He must sense my awkwardness. He smiles.

"Can I join? Can't sleep."

He nods as he looks at me, I say nothing again and sit beside him. He continues reading his book.

I fidget, playing with the frays of my short jeans.

"How's your night?" He finally speaks.

"Good."

Silence again.

"What about you? How's your night?"

"Good."

"Can't be that good I guess, you spent it with my drunk father," I say trying to make a joke.

"True. Can't be as good as yours."

"Hmm.."

The realisation came upon me that Christian must think that I had spent the evening with Ethan instead of pondering the hours away thinking about _him_ like a pathetic loser. I want to explain that I didn't meet Ethan, but what's the use. It's not like Christian is my boyfriend or anything. I can do whatever.

"Have you told Mia to come to visit us?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Not yet."

"You should. I bet she's fun, I'll show her around."

"Yeah, she'd love it here. I know you guys will be friends instantly."

"Yeah?"

"Hmm.." "She's very outgoing. Can be friends with everyone. Unlike me.." He jokes.

"You're outgoing, too"

"Nah.."

"You are, though! Christian, everyone here loves you!"

"I try, but really I'm very private, can't be as open as she is. I just, you know, fake it til' I make it" He smiles.

"You're friends with everyone here, and it's only been a couple of days."

He smiles, like he doesn't fully agree with that, but hesitate to say anything more about it.

"Do you consider me as your friend?" He asks, his tone soft, it sounds almost as if he is, dare I say, shy.

I look at his eyes - stormy grey underneath the moonlight.

"Of course."

He smiles.

"Thank you."

"You're the most fun of every intern my dad has ever brought here," I assure him with a smile, nudging him with my elbow.

"Yeah? Not Stephanie?" he laughs

"Oh my God! My dad told you about Stephanie! Gosh nooo!" we try to stifle our laughs, afraid we'd wake up my dad. Stephanie was definitely my dad's weirdest intern, ever.

"Seeeeriously Christian. I've never been really close with my dad's intern, you should be proud! I am hard to impress you know!"

He laughs again. "Well, I'm glad. I was a bit afraid you wouldn't like me ruining your summertime with your dad."

"Naah, I'm used to it. I like having people around.. or else it'll get lonely just the two of us. That's why my friends like to stay over and linger around like a bad smell."

"Your dad doesn't want to re-marry?" "-Sorry, weird question."

"Hmm.. I don't know. He doesn't really talk about it. Still in love with my Mom I guess. Which, by the way I'm fine with. Although if he wants, I can be the best matchmaker." I give him a wink.

"Is that so?" He smiles _his_ fucking smile.

"What about your parents? How are they like?"

"Hmmm.." "Well, they're very nice. Always want the best for their kids, I suppose." He answers vaguely while staring at the midnight sky.

"You see them often?"

"Not as much anymore, no."

I nod.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asks abruptly.

"Umm... Nothing. Probably going to see Ethan for a bit but then I'm free." _To apologise for flaking out on him tonight._

"Right, of course."

"What about you?"

"Not sure yet…" "Well, gotta head upstairs now, I really need some sleep"

"Oh.. yeah. Sure." _Of course he doesn't want to ask me to go anywhere with him, he was just trying to be polite._

"Goodnight, Anastasia."

"Goodnight. Sleep well"

* * *

It's raining heavily today, with thunderstorms and all. I woke up late, couldn't sleep last night. Why? I don't know. I know I had some crazy dreams, but I just can't remember what. I go downstairs, it's too silent, just the heavy rain and thuds of the windows - no kids playing outside, no laughter, no music.

It's too dark for an afternoon, candles flickering on the coffee table. I see my dad reading on the couch.

"Morning, or afternoon." He smiles as he sees me.

"Hi, Dad" I answer, sitting beside him.

"Where's Christian?" I add, trying to sound nonchalant.

"He just left, picking up some manuscripts. He'll come back later, he said he'd meet some friends while he's there."

 _By friends he meant Adele. I see._

Have you seen my Heptameron?" My dad asks, his eyes soft and kind.

"Hmm.. must be over here." I rummage through the pile of books on the side of our couch.

"Found it," I say as I give it to him.

"This is in German, but I'll translate" My dad says, I lay my head on his lap, he reads the book gently as he caresses my hair.

Have I told you he can speak just so many languages? This is what we like to do ever since I was a little kid. He would read me books in his free time, so it's no wonder I'm obsessed with reading now.

" _...A handsome young knight is madly in love with a princess. She too is in love with him."_

" _...Though she seems to not be entirely aware of it. Despite the friendship…_ _Freundschaft.. that blossoms between them, or perhaps because of that very friendship, the young knight finds himself so humbled and speechless that he is totally unable to bring up the subject of his love. One day he asks the princess point black:_

 _Ich bitte euch ratet mir was besser ist... reden oder sterben._

 **' _Is it better to speak or die'._**

The candles suddenly go out as the thunder hits.

 _Is it better to speak or die…_

"I'd never have the courage to ask such a question." I say.

"Ana-Banana, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" He looks at me with such kindness in his eyes, warm, non-judging.

I think about it. There's no way I can tell Dad about _this_. How I feel.

I know he's trying to be a good and understanding parental figure for me. And so far he's done a fantastic job. But at this kind of time I wish my mother was here. I bet she can tell me what to do from a female perspective.

We sit in near darkness. The rain beats against the window panes.

* * *

A couple of hours after the rain has stopped, I meet Ethan and the other kids as they're playing volleyball like usual. He waves and runs to me, all smile with his white teeth, his sand blond hair messy and cute.

"There she is!" He shouts.

"Hello" I say.

He hugs me like he usually would. Big and warm. I hug him back.

"Sorry I didn't come last night."

"It's okay. I figured. I knew you were out with your Dad to see the sculptures. Finally, Ana!"

"Yeah.. I mean, I _did_ go to the lake, but you were already left."

"It's okay, you know I'm scared of those lake frogs." He smiles as he nuzzled my neck.

"I'm really sorry.."

"Sshh.. it's okay Banana, how was the sculpture? I hope it was worth all of our miserable attempts to go last year" He says as he brings his arm over my shoulder and walk us to the nearest picnic table.

I laugh. "Yup, it was very beautiful. It's from the ship that went down in 1827! Can you imagine? Christian said there are four known sets of statues, after the Praxiteles originals. This one should be number three."

"Ah, Christian must've jacked off to that for sure.." He laughs.

"...That's not funny" I say looking up at him.

"What? I'm just joking, he and your dad can be a dork about that kind of stuff."

"I guess.."

"Okay, you're right. If he wants to jack off he could easily ask any girl in this town that has been salivating for him everyday to do the job."

"Well, he's with Adele." I say too curtly.

"No way, he's like, literally with everyone. Just ask Kate. Adele just got the biggest balls when it comes to making a big show out of it."

"Haha." The laugh don't reach my eyes.

"Hey, why are you being defensive?"

"I don't know, that was just kinda rude."

He studies my face as if trying to read it.

"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. You know I can be a jerk sometimes" He says with his puppy eyes while putting his tongue out.

"That's true. So now you owe me an ice cream." I run, Ethan follows me with his big laugh.

* * *

I get home a few hours later, just a little while after the sun is out. Ethan bought me an ice cream and surprised me with a book, a little poetry book by Ron Padgett. One of my favourites. He even read a piece called "Pumpkin" out loud as he walked me home, with his funny over-the-top voice, hands in the air and all.

 _My little pumpkin,_

 _I like to think about other girls sometimes,_

 _but the truth is_

 _if you ever left me_

 _I'd tear my heart out_

 _and never put it back._

 _There'll never be anyone like you._

 _How embarrassing._

We made out a bit in a little alley, it was abrupt, innocent, we both stopped it before it went too far, once we realised we started to hump on each other, as if we both knew that none of us knows exactly where we stand at the moment and don't want to complicate things yet.

I really like him. He's nice, funny, easy to be with. He might not be as mature, as composed, but that's just how everyone my age is I suppose. It's easy to be myself around him. Though he doesn't really make my heart flutters as someone else does..

I remember Christian's kiss. It was way different than Ethan's, way better? Maybe. But it's understandable, it was obvious how experienced he is. It seemed obvious that before and after Adele there had been a succession of crushes, mini-crushes, one-night crushes, flings, who knows, and even Ethan has confirmed my suspicion. It's impossible that a guy as perfect as him doesn't get all the action, especially here. To me all of it boiled down to one thing only: his lips had been everywhere in this town. His cock. Every girl had kissed him. Touched _it_. How many mouths, how many vaginas. I don't know what to feel about the thought of him between a girl's legs as she lay facing him, his broad, tanned, glistening shoulders moving up and down as I'd imagined him one afternoon when I too had wrapped my legs around his pillow when he was busy working for my dad.

* * *

In the backyard I see Christian sitting on the edge of the stone trough with his feet in the water, reading the same book like last night. Looking at him after spending hours with Ethan I feel my chest tighten again, as always whenever he's around. He sees me and waves back at me before going back to his book. I come closer and sit under the tree near him.

"My dad's been reading this German romance. He read some of it to me earlier when the rain's crazy." I say as I eat a piece of peach Pauline just picked this afternoon, looking at the blue sky.

"About the knight who doesn't know whether to speak or die? You told me already."

"Yes."

"Well, does he or doesn't he?" He asks, eyes still on his book.

"Better to speak, she said. But she's on her guard. She senses a trap somewhere."

"So does he speak?"

"No, he fudges."

I look at him. He looks at me, too, his stare cuts deep through me.

"That figures."

"Listen," he adds, "I need to pick up something in town tomorrow, first thing in the morning."

"I'll go, if you want me to."

He looks at me, as if weighing to say the next words.

"Let's go together."

"Tomorrow morning?" What I mean is, _Really?_

"Why, have you got anything _better_ to do?" He asks, I can hear the sarcasm in his voice.

"No." I say, sounding offended. He's referring to Ethan, again.

"Have _**you**_ got anything better to do? Or _**anyone**_?" I ask back, fuck I sound more hurt than I wanted.

"And what do you mean?" He challenges.

"I don't know, you tell me." I mutter.

"Why are you being like this?" _Being childish._

"Sorry." I instantly regret snapping at him. "I just thought - I don't know."

"You just thought what?"

"I don't know. Like maybe you'd rather go with someone else, I don't know, like Adele, or other girls, whatever."

"Why do you think so?"

"I don't know, okay! Sorry I asked. I just thought maybe you'd want to make love to her after or whatever, just like you do every day and night when you're away for hours." I say too fast.

"First of all, Anastasia, you're my friend. Of course I'd love to spend time with you."

"Second of all, I don't make love."

"I fuck,"

"Hard."

I stay silent. Or frozen more like.

"Okay." I say after what feels like forever. My voice too small, Christian still looks at me deeply.

"I'll see you tomorrow. We'll leave after breakfast. Don't sleep too late." He says, leaving me alone with my million wild thoughts.

 _What the fuck was that._

* * *

Please let me know what you think! Reviews and PMs are ALWAYS welcome! 3

Xx,

Admirerslounge


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